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You Want Some Change? I’ll Give You Change, But Don’t Be Complaning About The Smell That Comes With Adopting This Fat Child…

"So it looks pretty big. I’m not sure if it can fit or not.. Maybe if I shove it in really hard, it’ll make it through? I’m sure it won’t do too much damage. Nah, I can’t risk it.. Maybe if I get it in the right position, I could probably squeeze it in nice and slow. Aw, man, I’m starting to lose it with all this thinking. I’m sure it won’t hurt if I put it in. What’s a girl gotta do to get some satisfaction around here? Okay - okay, don’t panic. I’m just gonna do it. Maybe some oil… there. Okay… HERE I GO!"

 

And the girl successfully obtained a cookie with her hand from inside the wine bottle.

 

We will never know how… we will never know why… but we know that she did it successfully.

 

 

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS DIRTY, DIDN’T YOU?

 

 

Remember how I told you I was going to blog about the program I was in while I was in it, but never did blog about it while I was in it? So now that I’m not in it, I can finally blog about the program when I was in it because while I was in it, I was never able to blog about it when I was in it at the time due to work, and the program itself while I was in it. So now it is the time to blog about the program I was in… while I was in it!

 

I hope you didn’t hurt yourself reading that paragraph.

 

From touching yourself.

 

OOOOOooooOOoOOOhhHHhHhHHhHh!!!!

 

But anyways, hi. I recently “graduated” from a program called UforChange. This program allows youth to learn how to have fun in bed in the proper way—- I mean, allows youth to express themselves in bed—- I mean get naked while dancing with maracas and castanets—- …

 

Let me start over.

 

Hi. I recently “graduated” from a program called Uforchange. This program allows youth to express themselves through creative forms of art through dance, fashion, music, theatre, poetry, graffiti, and many other non-sexual things. It also tries to help youth become better people with life skills workshops, and by brainstorming ideas to benefit their community in many ways possible, such as cleaning it up, creating art on the walls, fundraising, and kicking homeless people in the testicles.

 

I joke, we don’t help clean up our communities.

 

Youth get to choose which workshops to take, depending on how many are available. After six months, the youth show what they have learned to the community through an event called Veevasitty… Viva-city? Vivasscity? Tel-aviv—-ALSHFBASFOOIASHDHSKJJFN!

 

It’s spelled like this: VIVACITY

 

This event, in which I have trouble pronouncing, takes a whole three days. It usually blows people’s minds every cycle. I was in the fourth cycle, so that means that UforChange blew people’s minds three times prior to when I came (hehe, came…), but I gotta say, my cycle blew a lot better than last cycle.

 

Arguably, of course, but I’m sure I’d have a lot of supporters.

 

And I mean blew figuratively.

 

Or am I?

 

Also, by the end, all the youth get a good amount of money. I heard you can get up to one grand by the end. How much did I get? None. I’m kind of pissed off as to why, but I’m getting too far ahead of myself. Let’s start with the beginning… if I can still remember it.

 

So I woke up in the morning, feeling like P. Diddy. Grabbed my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this city. Before I left, brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack, ‘cause when I left for that night, I came walking back.

 

… I woke up and did stuff like any day.

 

"Masturbated?"

 

SHUSH!

 

The first thing I went through for the program was an interview. I sat down with a lady who asked me a series of serious questions:

 

Will you please zip up your zipper?

Can you stop undressing during the interview?

Did you know bananas are good for your health?

 

Then after she kicked out the toothless crack-whore, I sat down for my interview. She just asked me a series of simple questions like, why do you wanna join the program, what do you think about racism, what do you see yourself doing after the program, will you stop eating all my cookies, etc. I also told her that I did drugs, steal from old ladies and once slapped a kid in the face.

 

She said that I might not be what she was looking for in the program.

 

I said I went to Soulpepper.

 

She approved and I was in.

 

Before the program started, I was in another program that worked with them. So what I’m trying to say is that I was pretty much accepted into the program, hands down.

 

Unless I got naked.

 

But anyhow, after the interview, the next step was to go through an orientation. During the orientation, we had to sit and listen to the staff talk about things that were very inappropriate for children involving dildos, confetti, and rice balls.

 

I joke. they talked about what we were to expect from the program, and then some. We pretty much got the idea, but they took up a whole hour and a half to explain it. I guess some people need to re-take English?

 

 

I joke, obviously.

 

 

We also played a mingling game. We taped a piece of paper behind our backs, then we go up to a person and write on their back a positive remark that comes to mind when we see them. In the end, we look at all the remarks people wrote. I noticed one on the floor. So I wrote a remark about the floor. The person who owned that paper picked it up was wondering why she, “Needed to be mopped by Mr. Clean.”

 

Also, I noticed someone wrote, “I love you,” on mine. It was in pencil. I met a girl and a guy that day that had one.

 

I had nightmares the following night.

 

I joke, jeeze. After orientation, we got to sample a bunch of classes that we could take. I met even more people. Did that mean we didn’t have to go to the orientation that night? MOTHA FUCK! WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT, UFORCHANGE? FUCK ME! Ahem, so after the two weeks of sampling were done, I finally narrowed down my choices:

 

Choreography, Theatre, Improv, Film & Video, and Drums.

 

Then the classes begin! However, for now, I think I’ll end the blog here. I notice that I have typed a lot already and I don’t want this blog to be more boring than it already is. Next few blogs will be about my classes. I hope you have a strong stomach, ‘cause it’s about to get nastay!

 

Okay, probably not.

 

And on another note, it’s really hard to mention any fat and ugly people because I’m afraid I will be hated on if any of the people from UforChange read this. People who’ve read my blogs know that I’m joking, but I’m sure my blunt remarks will not be tolerated… so these blogs will not have as much profanity, but I’ll try my best to still keep them interesting, like a naked old man with wings flying towards you in your dreams.

 

Okay, I’m done for now. I hope you can sleep tonight.

 

P.S. I think had diarrhea today at least ten times. That toilet is getting a work out.

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A Cow Goes: MOO! A Duck Goes: QUACK! A Pig Goes: OINK! A Masochist Goes: All Three

I sit here. Waiting… waiting… I wait until the day arrives. I don’t know when it will come, or if it will even come at all. I don’t move an inch. I don’t twitch a muscle. I don’t even blink. My eyes are dry. They need moisture, but it’s hard to close them. My expectancies are inaccurate. My trust is breaking. My hope is deteriorating. My conscience is failing.

 

And FINALLY, my mom comes home with a fresh roll of toilet paper.

 

Well lookie outside, you FUCKERS! There’s snow falling from the sky! How, fucking-amazing-is-that? Throughout this whole winter, the snow has not even reached past at least 3mm. That’s like, smaller than the length of a baby’s penis.

 

I apologize for the inappropriate reference to a baby’s penis.

 

I know it wasn’t a good reference.

 

DON’T JUDGE ME!

 

Anyways, I’m glad the snow is here and all, but it came at such a terrible time - a Tuesday. I’m looking at the forecast and it says it will be over 0 degrees during the week. Now I don’t know about you guys, but this fucking blows my load, and not in a good way.

 

You call this the definition of Winter? I call it the definition of a street corner prostitute.

 

It comes and goes.

 

But fuck me, this is the worst Winter I have ever witnessed in my life because there was barely any snow to play with. There wasn’t even enough to snow for dogs to piss on so that we people can distinguish whether to throw it at a cop or shove it down a hobo’s esophagus. Is this really the work of GLOBAL WARMING!? -ends sexy, deep voice-

 

I can’t really do a sexy, deep voice.

 

Knowing that this snow will be gone by the end of the week is killing me, but I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. A lot of people are happy this Winter. Do you know why that is? Because the temperature is warm enough for them to go outside and hump all the trees around the city screaming, “FEEL HOW FUCKING WARM IT IS!”

 

I don’t get that joke either. I’m not that funny, okay?

 

Other than the warm Winter, my day has been good. I went to my program for 2 hours, dancing my ass off with a bunch of underage ladies. I know what you are thinking, and I will advise you right now that I will come over to your house and rip your mother fucking balls off.

 

With somebody else’s hands.

 

It is kinda awkward to be incredibly older than the ladies in that class, but they’re all cool people. Plus, it’s not like we’re going to hang out outside of the program. The class today was intense and fun, though. These ladies have good talent and the teacher is really nice. She gave me a chance to make up some of my own choreography, and it turned out surprisingly good. I should make some more more often, but you know how lazy I can be. I’m even too lazy to be lazy sometimes.

 

<Insert confusion here>

 

I can’t wait to complete it. We’re in the preparation of 4 pieces. I’m not sure if we’re going to use all of them. If we do, I guarantee I will lose 2 pounds by the end of it. Why just 2 pounds? Because I will celebrate by eating a shitload of food afterwards. Yes I am a fatass.

 

But your mom didn’t mind last night.

 

OOOOOOOHHHOHOHOHOHOHHOO, BURRRRRRRRRN, MUTHAFUCKA!!!

 

CRISPY!

 

Anyway, I have a lot to prepare for during the program. The day I embarrass myself when I present all that I’ve learned will be announced. In the meantime, please enjoy this horrible image:

 

A super fat hobo in a pink thong.

 

Note that you will not be able to see the thong due to all the folds of fat concealing it.

 

Peace, you bastards!

DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T TOUCH ME! (April 3, 2011)

As I was hugging the bathroom toilet during Karaoke on Friday, I was thinking like an emo. No, I wasn’t thinking of how sad I was vomiting and gagging on the rims of the seat. I wasn’t thinking of how I wanted to kill myself to end the endless cycle of nausea in my stomach. I wasn’t thinking on how I spent maybe 3 hours in the bathroom trying to feel better. I was actually thinking of what people are thinking at this moment in their lives:

 

Penises.

 

No I joke, you assholes. I talk about:

 

The Future.

 

Yes, in the midst of my “OUGGHHHHHH,” and “AUUUGGGHHHH,” and “NO, DON’T TOUCH ME THERE,” I had enough conscience to think about other things besides my stomach feeling like it was full of a mixture of soil, a fat lady’s sweat, and monkey feces. I had just met a few people that night and told them I was not in school. There was probably judgment there. However, getting wasted probably made them think of me stereotypically; it was not surprising for somebody who was not in school. As I look in the mirror, I think to myself: “Is there really any hope for me?”

 

And then I vomited for the fifth time.

 

When I tell people I am not in school, they always tell me that it’s okay… but is it really? Most of the people I know are already in their third year, and soon it will be their fourth. For now I have connections to be with them, but how about when they finally finish school? Perhaps they will be too far and I will be left eating all of their dust… and that’s a lot of freaking dust ._.

 

Some people even say that I am lucky not to be in school at the moment. Is that really what it has come to? Has school become such a stress builder that people don’t even want to grasp what it has to offer? People don’t see school as an opportunity to learn anymore, but more as a place where they forcibly undergo mundane tasks, which… you know… eventually get boring at some point.

 

And it’s true… if you are learning something that is not of too much to your liking. What I mean by that is that school tries to put all the details of your field into your brains, even when you will not employ those things in the future, such as history or theory. Well c’mon, knowing those things are not useful, but it will help you develop a better understanding of your field of passion from the bottom up, knowing where it came from, all the way to… you. Isn’t it a BIT interesting knowing whose footsteps you are following? Having the same passion as these successful people who have the same passion as you? Knowing that you are part of its future?

 

I know how ridiculous that may sound, but it all depends on your perspective. I know a couple of people who wanted to learn guitar. When they were taught at school, they were taught music theory, history, and were taught only to utilize three stings on the guitar. When I taught people, they were taught how to utilize all the strings on the guitar, all the beginning things they need to know on how to play a simple song. Both sides had the same passion, but what’s the difference? The people I taught were happier.

 

You’re probably thinking at this moment that it depends on the teacher, but I was mainly aiming for “It depends on what you learn.” I eventually told the people I taught how chords are formed with a little theory here and there, but it was AFTER I taught them all the chords first. I guess I believe in teaching what they want to learn first, and then teach them why these are. Perhaps it’s a better method? What the hell do I know T_T;

 

I did not give the people I taught any homework though, but I realize that they, themselves give homework to… themselves. I don’t wanna rephrase that. There was so much passion that they were willing to make time just to learn and memorize what I taught them, which is essentially, homework. This is the main reason why people hate school, but without it, you don’t learn as quickly. And to that, I say thanks homework.

 

Now can I rip your balls off?

 

I may be kind of lucky to be free of super-stress like the rest of my friends, but where am I going without it? Nowhere. So… who’s really lucky here? I have an interview for a youth leadership program next week. If I get in, let’s see where it can take me, and what I will do to get there. Maybe I will finally be able to comprehend the super-stress that all of you are currently enduring right now. I thank the people for not judging me, not being in school at the moment. Perhaps I will be able to experience it once in my lifetime.

 

NOW GO FUCK A DONKEY!

? #2

I decided to be a talkative person today. So I started telling this person a story about why the sky is blue. I started telling him how a long, long time ago, there used to be this god who would cry all day and night and the people did not know what to do. So in the end, they killed the little god, dug a hole in the ground, threw the little god’s body into the hole, and then they filled the hole with their own feces and holy water that came out of their peenies and vaggies. After 3 whole weeks of doing, “The Ritual of Humiliation and Then Some,” the sky suddenly turned blue. Apparently they killed the God of Fluffy Clouds, in which it was his doing of why the sky was always gray.

 

After the end of my story, the man I was talking to grabbed me by the testicles and said, “Just call me a freaking ambulance, or I won’t be the only one to die today!” Then I killed him, pissed on his knife wounds, and shat in his mouth, and… what’s this? The sky suddenly turns blue! So then I pull my pants back up and start skipping merrily towards the nearest McDonalds. I went into the McDonalds, screamed out, “I’M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE,” and then ran into the bathroom.

 

In the bathroom, I saw a very sexy lady. I looked at her, she looked at me. I smiled, she smiled. I licked my lips, she licked her lips. I rub my tit, she starts rubbing her hairy tit, and I realize I am just looking in the bathroom mirror again…

 

I also realized I needed to shave my nipples.

 

AUGH, FUCK, I CUT IT!

 

After cleaning myself in the McDonalds bathroom, I spotted a very fat hobo behind me. How did he get there without me noticing? Did he just poof out of nowhere? Was he a wizard sent from another dimension where wizards and zero calorie ice cream exist? Is he one of those toilet genies, where if you lick the toilet three times, he poofs out? It was a mystery to never be solved.

 

Then he casually told me, “I came while you were touching yourself.”

 

 

Then I took his fat head and shoved it down the toilet while someone was still in the stall, using it. After killing him, an old, Chinese-looking god appeared before my eyes. He said to me in his deep, godly voice, “You have killed too many gods in this world and must be punished!” So he transported me to this god-like cathedral so that I could be judged. I noticed a convenient toilet in the middle of the walkway. From that I realized something…

 

HE HAD A BROWN ACCENT!

 

And that hobo and random transvestite in the stall were GODS!? He told me that he will give me the most horrible fate anyone could imagine unless I repent for my sins. So I ripped his balls off, shoved it in his mouth, and threw his head in the holy toilet. In the midst of my actions, I had accidentally swallowed some of the holy toilet water.

 

And that is why I have constant diarrhea.

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