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"So, You Like Kicking Butts, Do Ya? WELL WE’LL SHOW YOU, OLD MAN!"

I was walking down the street to see a little puppy abandoned in an alleyway. I went towards the puppy only to have it start to growl at my presence. I tried to calm it down by throwing bacon on the floor beside my feet. The puppy notices and slowly walks towards my feet. It was just as cautious as I was. It stops at my feet. I have direct eye contact with it. A spark has been discovered. A moment of happiness appears. A connection begins to originate. A bond has been made. I smile at the puppy.

 

And then I kick the puppy as hard as I can.

 

It flew like a football.

 

That’s what it gets for growling at me.

 

And then I scratched my scrotum.

 

Holy fucking balls, it’s been such a long while since I’ve been in this business of blogging on this tumblr. account. This tumblr. account was so dead. DEAD. And in just a matter of days, I managed to fill it with random bullshit that only matters in the internet society. I have Twitter to blame for that shiet. FUCK YOU TWITTER… and thanks. To be honest, I don’t even know why I got a Twitter account. I guess I just wanted to see what the rave was all about… and now I know.

 

#paragraphspace

 

So what have I been up to all this time? Well let’s start off with the biggest news. Are you ready?

 

-drum roll-

 

 

 

 

I took the biggest shit! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA——

 

No, I joke. I apologize for making you imagine me shitting on a puppy. ONE GUY ONE PUPPY… and a hamster.

 

However, I do have some amazing news that I have not posted in a blog:

 

I am now attending post-secondary.

 

That’s right you fuckers, I’m actually a College student now. What program? Acting for Film and TV. Yes, I know! The teacher must be on lithium! Also, I am actually pursuing a career that I actually want to do more than anything else, actually. Actually, I started about three weeks ago. It doesn’t feel like school anymore, actually. It’s actually fun at times to learn actual skills of actually acting, actually. I should probably stop this, actually.

 

-scratches scrotum-

 

But yeah, the program is actually fun (sorry). I’ve been taught the exact same way at Soulpepper, so I’m very comfortable with the environment there: There are goats and monkeys flying everywhere, giant pamphlets of Indian buffets falling from the sky, and rows of people bowing down in front of a THICK WALL OF SEMEN!

 

Okay, the real environment is this: we do stupid activities, I’m a visible minority, and all of the peppy, white, hippie actors know and talk to everybody (who is also white) and are very expressive. In the midst of taking in my environment, I have come up with a statement that will motivate me to not be distracted by these factors:

 

OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!

 

But also, I should “GET USED TO IT.”

 

There are many reasons why I would be the only Asian actor in that program: Asians pursue a different career, the Asians that applied for this program did not get in, the Asians have strict parents and are forced somewhere else, white people love acting, the teachers are racist and allow mostly white people into their program, or I’m special (Yeah… let’s go with that one). So I might as well be proud to be in school now… especially since they said about three hundred people apply, and only forty get in. I’m one of those forty! -screams like a fan girl-

 

 

… o.o;

 

Sorry you had to hear that.

 

Let’s begin with the lame activities I have to undergo. One of the common exercises there were making us walk around the room. Just walking. Walking around the room, using the space, focusing on our own bodies within ourselves while avoiding people at the same time. Sometimes we speed up, sometimes we slow down. That’s what she said. You get the picture. We even started to move chairs and sit on them. Get up, move the chair and sit again. Then repeat. Then repeat. Then repeat. Then repeat. Then faster. Then slower. Harder. Louder. Dangerer…

 

And then gangnam style.

 

 

Sex.

 

To my eyes, these are very hippie activities. In a third-person perspective, there is a person making the rest of the people in the room act like roaming zombies and robots. It would be a lot more interesting if we were all naked.

 

Well, I’m pretty sure that applies to everything.

 

"Everything is always more interesting when you’re naked."

 

That’s what your mother told me.

 

Of course, being an acting program, like Soulpepper, I am the only Asian in the class. Why is this a factor? Well, because I am the only Asian, I have to be quite careful in not making myself noticeable for being stupid. Believe it or not, sometimes that can be the cause of sterotypicalism (yes, I did just make that word up). What’s really beautiful however, is that everyone respects everybody in this program. I’ve managed to be on positive terms with everyone in class, and they all like what I do on stage, like pelvic thrusting. I’ve spontaneously made good friends from this. If you can entertain someone, they like you. I’ll try my best to keep this up.

 

And I obviously didn’t pelvic thrust on stage.

 

Naked.

 

And lastly, I am the quietest in the class. Actors are stereotyped for being all peppy, energetic, expressive, talkative, annoying, weird, and overly nice. Some of my classmates wonder why I don’t like to socialize like that, go to parties, etc. It’s just who I am. I’m not one to come up to you and start talking to you about random things. If we find something in common, I won’t make it a bigger deal than it is and offer high fives to you in order to bond. I would do that when I’m drunk, but that’s the only time. I would normally never talk to people when I’m at school. I know it seems disrespectful, as it implies that I don’t care much about other people, but I do.

 

NOW MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

 

No sexism intended.

 

Anyways, other than these factors, I’m definitely enjoying my program. I’m learning a lot, that’s for sure. They definitely teach you how to be independent and make your own decisions. Acting is a form of art. Everyone does it differently and success varies depending on who sees you and how passionate you are. And because it is a form of art, there is lots of room for pure bullshit. I plan to use a lot of that when I’m in this program. And produce a lot. And excrete a lot if you know what I mean.

 

Diarrhea

 

There’s a lot going on in my program. I’ll blog more about it later. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date…

 

With the toilet.

 

PEACE!

 

P.S. This is my first blog in a long time. Give me some sympathy. I’ll be funnier later on… I hope.

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You Want Some Change? I’ll Give You Change, But Don’t Be Complaning About The Smell That Comes With Adopting This Fat Child…

"So it looks pretty big. I’m not sure if it can fit or not.. Maybe if I shove it in really hard, it’ll make it through? I’m sure it won’t do too much damage. Nah, I can’t risk it.. Maybe if I get it in the right position, I could probably squeeze it in nice and slow. Aw, man, I’m starting to lose it with all this thinking. I’m sure it won’t hurt if I put it in. What’s a girl gotta do to get some satisfaction around here? Okay - okay, don’t panic. I’m just gonna do it. Maybe some oil… there. Okay… HERE I GO!"

 

And the girl successfully obtained a cookie with her hand from inside the wine bottle.

 

We will never know how… we will never know why… but we know that she did it successfully.

 

 

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS DIRTY, DIDN’T YOU?

 

 

Remember how I told you I was going to blog about the program I was in while I was in it, but never did blog about it while I was in it? So now that I’m not in it, I can finally blog about the program when I was in it because while I was in it, I was never able to blog about it when I was in it at the time due to work, and the program itself while I was in it. So now it is the time to blog about the program I was in… while I was in it!

 

I hope you didn’t hurt yourself reading that paragraph.

 

From touching yourself.

 

OOOOOooooOOoOOOhhHHhHhHHhHh!!!!

 

But anyways, hi. I recently “graduated” from a program called UforChange. This program allows youth to learn how to have fun in bed in the proper way—- I mean, allows youth to express themselves in bed—- I mean get naked while dancing with maracas and castanets—- …

 

Let me start over.

 

Hi. I recently “graduated” from a program called Uforchange. This program allows youth to express themselves through creative forms of art through dance, fashion, music, theatre, poetry, graffiti, and many other non-sexual things. It also tries to help youth become better people with life skills workshops, and by brainstorming ideas to benefit their community in many ways possible, such as cleaning it up, creating art on the walls, fundraising, and kicking homeless people in the testicles.

 

I joke, we don’t help clean up our communities.

 

Youth get to choose which workshops to take, depending on how many are available. After six months, the youth show what they have learned to the community through an event called Veevasitty… Viva-city? Vivasscity? Tel-aviv—-ALSHFBASFOOIASHDHSKJJFN!

 

It’s spelled like this: VIVACITY

 

This event, in which I have trouble pronouncing, takes a whole three days. It usually blows people’s minds every cycle. I was in the fourth cycle, so that means that UforChange blew people’s minds three times prior to when I came (hehe, came…), but I gotta say, my cycle blew a lot better than last cycle.

 

Arguably, of course, but I’m sure I’d have a lot of supporters.

 

And I mean blew figuratively.

 

Or am I?

 

Also, by the end, all the youth get a good amount of money. I heard you can get up to one grand by the end. How much did I get? None. I’m kind of pissed off as to why, but I’m getting too far ahead of myself. Let’s start with the beginning… if I can still remember it.

 

So I woke up in the morning, feeling like P. Diddy. Grabbed my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this city. Before I left, brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack, ‘cause when I left for that night, I came walking back.

 

… I woke up and did stuff like any day.

 

"Masturbated?"

 

SHUSH!

 

The first thing I went through for the program was an interview. I sat down with a lady who asked me a series of serious questions:

 

Will you please zip up your zipper?

Can you stop undressing during the interview?

Did you know bananas are good for your health?

 

Then after she kicked out the toothless crack-whore, I sat down for my interview. She just asked me a series of simple questions like, why do you wanna join the program, what do you think about racism, what do you see yourself doing after the program, will you stop eating all my cookies, etc. I also told her that I did drugs, steal from old ladies and once slapped a kid in the face.

 

She said that I might not be what she was looking for in the program.

 

I said I went to Soulpepper.

 

She approved and I was in.

 

Before the program started, I was in another program that worked with them. So what I’m trying to say is that I was pretty much accepted into the program, hands down.

 

Unless I got naked.

 

But anyhow, after the interview, the next step was to go through an orientation. During the orientation, we had to sit and listen to the staff talk about things that were very inappropriate for children involving dildos, confetti, and rice balls.

 

I joke. they talked about what we were to expect from the program, and then some. We pretty much got the idea, but they took up a whole hour and a half to explain it. I guess some people need to re-take English?

 

 

I joke, obviously.

 

 

We also played a mingling game. We taped a piece of paper behind our backs, then we go up to a person and write on their back a positive remark that comes to mind when we see them. In the end, we look at all the remarks people wrote. I noticed one on the floor. So I wrote a remark about the floor. The person who owned that paper picked it up was wondering why she, “Needed to be mopped by Mr. Clean.”

 

Also, I noticed someone wrote, “I love you,” on mine. It was in pencil. I met a girl and a guy that day that had one.

 

I had nightmares the following night.

 

I joke, jeeze. After orientation, we got to sample a bunch of classes that we could take. I met even more people. Did that mean we didn’t have to go to the orientation that night? MOTHA FUCK! WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT, UFORCHANGE? FUCK ME! Ahem, so after the two weeks of sampling were done, I finally narrowed down my choices:

 

Choreography, Theatre, Improv, Film & Video, and Drums.

 

Then the classes begin! However, for now, I think I’ll end the blog here. I notice that I have typed a lot already and I don’t want this blog to be more boring than it already is. Next few blogs will be about my classes. I hope you have a strong stomach, ‘cause it’s about to get nastay!

 

Okay, probably not.

 

And on another note, it’s really hard to mention any fat and ugly people because I’m afraid I will be hated on if any of the people from UforChange read this. People who’ve read my blogs know that I’m joking, but I’m sure my blunt remarks will not be tolerated… so these blogs will not have as much profanity, but I’ll try my best to still keep them interesting, like a naked old man with wings flying towards you in your dreams.

 

Okay, I’m done for now. I hope you can sleep tonight.

 

P.S. I think had diarrhea today at least ten times. That toilet is getting a work out.

2 notes

Update - A Compound Word Made By People To Express How The Date Is Actually In The Sky Somewhere…

So the program I am in is finally over. I have spent the last three days stressing, working, preparing, and in the end of each day, celebrating. It’s been a great six months preparing for the performances that was brought upon the people in the past three days. There was a lot of support, a lot of smiles, and a lot of great people that I’m going to miss. It’s been cool, you guys. Maybe we’ll see each other again one day or in the next cycle. If not, I hope you guys enjoy your lives to the fullest. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to continue excreting my excrement.

 

 

GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM, PLEASE!

3 notes

I Don’t See YOU Coming Up With A Creative Title!

Imagine a dry and vast desert. The wind is blowing, the dusty sand is… blowing, the fat women are *******, and there stands a man in a cowboy hat. Let’s just pretend it’s me. I stand there, firmly. A tumbleweed blows in the wind that is blowing dusty sand that is blowing all over my face while the fat women continue to blow in the background. A sweat drop slowly runs down the side of my head. My eyes are filled with fear, confusion and pain. My mouth is gaped open. Because there I saw a man, another cowboy standing across from me, holding a loaded revolver…

 

Humping a cactus.

 

So anyways, hi. It’s been too long since I’ve blogged about anything. So here I am to break the ice, to FULFILL my destiny, to blog like I’ve never blogged before. HOW WILL I DO THIS, YOU ASK?

 

I won’t.

 

I just wanted to psych you out so you’ll get excited for nothing, although, I’m pretty sure you weren’t in the first place, unless you’re a perv who is constantly watching porn all day long… but I don’t want you to get that kind of excited in front of me.

 

Unless I think you’re hot.

 

But anyways, besides being a long time since I blogged (I keep mentioning this, I don’t fucking know why), there is a reason behind that, believe it or not. I guarantee you that you will not believe what I am about to bestow upon you - the reason why I wasn’t able to blog for such a long time (I mentioned it again) and has left you hanging (no sexual references here) for the past few weeks or so!

 

I was busy.

 

HAH, you thought I was going to say, “I was lazy,” but you’re fucking WRONG, motherfuckers! EAT MY DUST BIZZNITCHES!

 

Okay, I admit that I have had a lot of cookies prior to making this blog. So I may come off as a person who has a sugar high (I bet most of you are thinking other things), but I assure you that I am stable.

 

Hehe… stable.

 

But yes, I was actually busy with a few things. To list off, I’ve been busy with work, my program, and meeting up with people I’ve never seen for a while. I got to meet up with my project leader from Katimavik, my program is getting more intense because it’s almost time to perform, and I’m actually getting a bit more shifts at work now that they realized I was able to work weekends. Yes… REALIZED… think about how much moolah I could’ve had by now! I could’ve gotten 5 Big Mac combos!

 

I joke… it would’ve been 6.

 

I’ve also been stressing out with school applications. They ask for so much god damn stuff, it really pisses me off. I need even more money now to pay for auditions and shit. They really want money don’t they? Their programs better be fucking worth it then! Otherwise I’m gonna collect a bunch of bricks, take ‘em to every school and throw ‘em at any old ladies that pass by those schools during the day!

 

Okay fine, I’ll throw them at the school windows.

 

Okay fine, I’ll build a hut.

 

With a chimney.

 

Yeah… that oughta show ‘em…

 

But other than school, program, work and friends, it’s been the same old with me. Except for this sugar high, I can’t seem to stop jittering (it took me about 5 tries to type that word down). I need something to help me relax. Maybe some cookies…

 

*SLAP

 

 

(Ow…)

 

I also forgot to mention that I have improved so much in skating since last year. I know how to stop with confidence, and sharp turn to my right. All I need to do now is master it, master my sharp turn to the left, spin on one leg, then tackle down a 5-year-old kid on skates and my life of skating will be complete.

 

I joke on the last one.

 

Bazinga.

 

Yes, I watch Big Bang Theory, shut up.

 

Surprisingly, I have nothing to rant about. I would rant about my school applications, but who the fuck wants to hear about that? And even if I did, it would be a boring rant like all my other rants. Ranting just seems to make people rant about things that don’t necessarily need to be ranted about.

 

Holy fuck, I’m ranting about ranting!

 

You’re right, you caught me. I did that on purpose. I have to try to be funny at some point, right? However this sugar high is preventing me from doing so… when was I ever funny in my blogs anyway? I can’t remember anything, just like all the dreams I constantly have every single night. Is it possible to set a Guinness World Record of having the most dreams in a row? But who would believe me?

 

"Jesus would believe you. Jesus believes in EVERYONE!"

 

 

SHUT THE BALLS UP, YOU DAMN HIPPIE!

 

I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I promise to make the next blog less confusing and more interesting. So far though, I have nothing interesting to blog about. Just think of this as an update. Wait till after I perform. It will get interesting!

 

Now go hump a cactus.

1 note