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You Want Some Change? I’ll Give You Change, But Don’t Be Complaning About The Smell That Comes With Adopting This Fat Child…

"So it looks pretty big. I’m not sure if it can fit or not.. Maybe if I shove it in really hard, it’ll make it through? I’m sure it won’t do too much damage. Nah, I can’t risk it.. Maybe if I get it in the right position, I could probably squeeze it in nice and slow. Aw, man, I’m starting to lose it with all this thinking. I’m sure it won’t hurt if I put it in. What’s a girl gotta do to get some satisfaction around here? Okay - okay, don’t panic. I’m just gonna do it. Maybe some oil… there. Okay… HERE I GO!"


And the girl successfully obtained a cookie with her hand from inside the wine bottle.


We will never know how… we will never know why… but we know that she did it successfully.






Remember how I told you I was going to blog about the program I was in while I was in it, but never did blog about it while I was in it? So now that I’m not in it, I can finally blog about the program when I was in it because while I was in it, I was never able to blog about it when I was in it at the time due to work, and the program itself while I was in it. So now it is the time to blog about the program I was in… while I was in it!


I hope you didn’t hurt yourself reading that paragraph.


From touching yourself.




But anyways, hi. I recently “graduated” from a program called UforChange. This program allows youth to learn how to have fun in bed in the proper way—- I mean, allows youth to express themselves in bed—- I mean get naked while dancing with maracas and castanets—- …


Let me start over.


Hi. I recently “graduated” from a program called Uforchange. This program allows youth to express themselves through creative forms of art through dance, fashion, music, theatre, poetry, graffiti, and many other non-sexual things. It also tries to help youth become better people with life skills workshops, and by brainstorming ideas to benefit their community in many ways possible, such as cleaning it up, creating art on the walls, fundraising, and kicking homeless people in the testicles.


I joke, we don’t help clean up our communities.


Youth get to choose which workshops to take, depending on how many are available. After six months, the youth show what they have learned to the community through an event called Veevasitty… Viva-city? Vivasscity? Tel-aviv—-ALSHFBASFOOIASHDHSKJJFN!


It’s spelled like this: VIVACITY


This event, in which I have trouble pronouncing, takes a whole three days. It usually blows people’s minds every cycle. I was in the fourth cycle, so that means that UforChange blew people’s minds three times prior to when I came (hehe, came…), but I gotta say, my cycle blew a lot better than last cycle.


Arguably, of course, but I’m sure I’d have a lot of supporters.


And I mean blew figuratively.


Or am I?


Also, by the end, all the youth get a good amount of money. I heard you can get up to one grand by the end. How much did I get? None. I’m kind of pissed off as to why, but I’m getting too far ahead of myself. Let’s start with the beginning… if I can still remember it.


So I woke up in the morning, feeling like P. Diddy. Grabbed my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this city. Before I left, brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack, ‘cause when I left for that night, I came walking back.


… I woke up and did stuff like any day.






The first thing I went through for the program was an interview. I sat down with a lady who asked me a series of serious questions:


Will you please zip up your zipper?

Can you stop undressing during the interview?

Did you know bananas are good for your health?


Then after she kicked out the toothless crack-whore, I sat down for my interview. She just asked me a series of simple questions like, why do you wanna join the program, what do you think about racism, what do you see yourself doing after the program, will you stop eating all my cookies, etc. I also told her that I did drugs, steal from old ladies and once slapped a kid in the face.


She said that I might not be what she was looking for in the program.


I said I went to Soulpepper.


She approved and I was in.


Before the program started, I was in another program that worked with them. So what I’m trying to say is that I was pretty much accepted into the program, hands down.


Unless I got naked.


But anyhow, after the interview, the next step was to go through an orientation. During the orientation, we had to sit and listen to the staff talk about things that were very inappropriate for children involving dildos, confetti, and rice balls.


I joke. they talked about what we were to expect from the program, and then some. We pretty much got the idea, but they took up a whole hour and a half to explain it. I guess some people need to re-take English?



I joke, obviously.



We also played a mingling game. We taped a piece of paper behind our backs, then we go up to a person and write on their back a positive remark that comes to mind when we see them. In the end, we look at all the remarks people wrote. I noticed one on the floor. So I wrote a remark about the floor. The person who owned that paper picked it up was wondering why she, “Needed to be mopped by Mr. Clean.”


Also, I noticed someone wrote, “I love you,” on mine. It was in pencil. I met a girl and a guy that day that had one.


I had nightmares the following night.


I joke, jeeze. After orientation, we got to sample a bunch of classes that we could take. I met even more people. Did that mean we didn’t have to go to the orientation that night? MOTHA FUCK! WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT, UFORCHANGE? FUCK ME! Ahem, so after the two weeks of sampling were done, I finally narrowed down my choices:


Choreography, Theatre, Improv, Film & Video, and Drums.


Then the classes begin! However, for now, I think I’ll end the blog here. I notice that I have typed a lot already and I don’t want this blog to be more boring than it already is. Next few blogs will be about my classes. I hope you have a strong stomach, ‘cause it’s about to get nastay!


Okay, probably not.


And on another note, it’s really hard to mention any fat and ugly people because I’m afraid I will be hated on if any of the people from UforChange read this. People who’ve read my blogs know that I’m joking, but I’m sure my blunt remarks will not be tolerated… so these blogs will not have as much profanity, but I’ll try my best to still keep them interesting, like a naked old man with wings flying towards you in your dreams.


Okay, I’m done for now. I hope you can sleep tonight.


P.S. I think had diarrhea today at least ten times. That toilet is getting a work out.

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