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Posts tagged fat

Who Likes Being Busy? Bees? FUCK BEES!

So there was this horny woman who would go from bar to bar, club to club, and house to house, trying to find a man who would woo her sexual needs in a unique way. She would often get involved with a man every night, but she was growing tiresome of the same routine, with the same vibe and the same outcome. Subsequently, the boredom was growing until she rejected every man who would approach her every night. However, one day, as she was carrying a large glass statue of a penis, she bumped into a carpenter on the street and dropped it. The carpenter with guilt said, “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry for breaking your glass penis! Is there anything I can do for you?” The woman replies, “What can you offer me?” To which the carpenter says,

 

"I’ve got wood."

 

And that was the story of how wood became another word for penis.

 

I’ve woken up earlier than usual today. So I guess I can blog about something. The question is… about what? Seeing that I’ve been busy with work, my program, school applications, and SITTIN’ ON A TOILET, there are about… 7 things to blog about. How?

 

My diarrhea counts as 4 stories: Needing to go, finding a place, sitting down, and then BAM!

 

I’m sorry you had to imagine that.

 

 

No really… I am… >=)

 

But anyways, it’s been pretty hectic so far. I lie about preparing for my school application, though. The only thing that is keeping me busy is work. I get more shifts this week and next since an employee is on vacation for 2 weeks. So more fun times for me! Yayyyyyyy—-

 

 

Work is so boring, man…

 

I’m glad I get to barely do anything, but time goes by slower. Why does being busier and time flying by, have to correlate with each other in that fashion? I’d rather it be, time flies by when you’re doing nothing! I know that implies that you will die faster if you are doing nothing, but would that not motivate people to become active citizens? This way we’ll have less fat, ugly, bastards who’s only contribution to society is being FAT.

 

I’m obviously joking. I know fat people who are oh, so awesome.

 

 

It’s the OTHER fat people I hate… You know what I mean.

 

I’m also glad to be having more shifts now. I hate working, but I hate being poor. So this is my only solution for money, unless I whore myself around to lonely females who are tired of using the cucumber at the grocery store as a substitute.

 

"A substitute for what?"

 

A substitute for the carrot ;D

 

"I don’t get it."

 

T_T;

 

My work is not very interesting. I sell auto parts to old men who need them. And we all know how much I know about cars! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA——nothing. I don’t even drive yet… I should really get on that. Perhaps it will make my job and life easier. But for now, I will continue to lie to customers about how certain I am that this type of oil will not clog up in their car.

 

And by car, I mean their wife’s vagina.

 

Can you believe a customer asked me if the oil we sell can be a substitute as a lubricant? OH YES, of COURSE you can use that oil during sex! It’s not like it’s gonna POISON you or anything! YOU FUCKING JENIUS!

 

I spelled genius wrong on purpose. It’s ironic!

 

IRON CHEF!

 

And if you’re really wondering… no, a customer did not ask if oil can act as a lubricant in bed. I just thought it’d be a good laugh. But I got you, didn’t I?

 

However there was a brown customer who was trying to describe to me a part he was looking for. With his left had, he made and ‘o’ shape. With his right hand, he lifted his index finger. With both hands, he took his index finger and put it in the ‘o’ shape in his left hand and shoved it in and out, in and out. He was being serious. I was trying my best not to smile, as it would look awkward for me to smile and look at a brown man, as he gestured a visual idea of sex in front of my face.

 

Other than that, work is not very exciting. I will never blog about work unless something as disturbing as the story above is experienced. I don’t want to complain about how bad work is sometimes, how customers piss me off or how some people are so stupid. I’ve complained about those already, and too much.

 

But I will continue to make fun of them. This blog was very boring. This is what happens when I don’t blog for a long time. Be patient. I’m sure I’ll pick up the pace soon.

 

That’s what SHE hoped for.

 

 

Okay I’m done.

A Cow Goes: MOO! A Duck Goes: QUACK! A Pig Goes: OINK! A Masochist Goes: All Three

I sit here. Waiting… waiting… I wait until the day arrives. I don’t know when it will come, or if it will even come at all. I don’t move an inch. I don’t twitch a muscle. I don’t even blink. My eyes are dry. They need moisture, but it’s hard to close them. My expectancies are inaccurate. My trust is breaking. My hope is deteriorating. My conscience is failing.

 

And FINALLY, my mom comes home with a fresh roll of toilet paper.

 

Well lookie outside, you FUCKERS! There’s snow falling from the sky! How, fucking-amazing-is-that? Throughout this whole winter, the snow has not even reached past at least 3mm. That’s like, smaller than the length of a baby’s penis.

 

I apologize for the inappropriate reference to a baby’s penis.

 

I know it wasn’t a good reference.

 

DON’T JUDGE ME!

 

Anyways, I’m glad the snow is here and all, but it came at such a terrible time - a Tuesday. I’m looking at the forecast and it says it will be over 0 degrees during the week. Now I don’t know about you guys, but this fucking blows my load, and not in a good way.

 

You call this the definition of Winter? I call it the definition of a street corner prostitute.

 

It comes and goes.

 

But fuck me, this is the worst Winter I have ever witnessed in my life because there was barely any snow to play with. There wasn’t even enough to snow for dogs to piss on so that we people can distinguish whether to throw it at a cop or shove it down a hobo’s esophagus. Is this really the work of GLOBAL WARMING!? -ends sexy, deep voice-

 

I can’t really do a sexy, deep voice.

 

Knowing that this snow will be gone by the end of the week is killing me, but I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. A lot of people are happy this Winter. Do you know why that is? Because the temperature is warm enough for them to go outside and hump all the trees around the city screaming, “FEEL HOW FUCKING WARM IT IS!”

 

I don’t get that joke either. I’m not that funny, okay?

 

Other than the warm Winter, my day has been good. I went to my program for 2 hours, dancing my ass off with a bunch of underage ladies. I know what you are thinking, and I will advise you right now that I will come over to your house and rip your mother fucking balls off.

 

With somebody else’s hands.

 

It is kinda awkward to be incredibly older than the ladies in that class, but they’re all cool people. Plus, it’s not like we’re going to hang out outside of the program. The class today was intense and fun, though. These ladies have good talent and the teacher is really nice. She gave me a chance to make up some of my own choreography, and it turned out surprisingly good. I should make some more more often, but you know how lazy I can be. I’m even too lazy to be lazy sometimes.

 

<Insert confusion here>

 

I can’t wait to complete it. We’re in the preparation of 4 pieces. I’m not sure if we’re going to use all of them. If we do, I guarantee I will lose 2 pounds by the end of it. Why just 2 pounds? Because I will celebrate by eating a shitload of food afterwards. Yes I am a fatass.

 

But your mom didn’t mind last night.

 

OOOOOOOHHHOHOHOHOHOHHOO, BURRRRRRRRRN, MUTHAFUCKA!!!

 

CRISPY!

 

Anyway, I have a lot to prepare for during the program. The day I embarrass myself when I present all that I’ve learned will be announced. In the meantime, please enjoy this horrible image:

 

A super fat hobo in a pink thong.

 

Note that you will not be able to see the thong due to all the folds of fat concealing it.

 

Peace, you bastards!

? #2

I decided to be a talkative person today. So I started telling this person a story about why the sky is blue. I started telling him how a long, long time ago, there used to be this god who would cry all day and night and the people did not know what to do. So in the end, they killed the little god, dug a hole in the ground, threw the little god’s body into the hole, and then they filled the hole with their own feces and holy water that came out of their peenies and vaggies. After 3 whole weeks of doing, “The Ritual of Humiliation and Then Some,” the sky suddenly turned blue. Apparently they killed the God of Fluffy Clouds, in which it was his doing of why the sky was always gray.

 

After the end of my story, the man I was talking to grabbed me by the testicles and said, “Just call me a freaking ambulance, or I won’t be the only one to die today!” Then I killed him, pissed on his knife wounds, and shat in his mouth, and… what’s this? The sky suddenly turns blue! So then I pull my pants back up and start skipping merrily towards the nearest McDonalds. I went into the McDonalds, screamed out, “I’M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE,” and then ran into the bathroom.

 

In the bathroom, I saw a very sexy lady. I looked at her, she looked at me. I smiled, she smiled. I licked my lips, she licked her lips. I rub my tit, she starts rubbing her hairy tit, and I realize I am just looking in the bathroom mirror again…

 

I also realized I needed to shave my nipples.

 

AUGH, FUCK, I CUT IT!

 

After cleaning myself in the McDonalds bathroom, I spotted a very fat hobo behind me. How did he get there without me noticing? Did he just poof out of nowhere? Was he a wizard sent from another dimension where wizards and zero calorie ice cream exist? Is he one of those toilet genies, where if you lick the toilet three times, he poofs out? It was a mystery to never be solved.

 

Then he casually told me, “I came while you were touching yourself.”

 

 

Then I took his fat head and shoved it down the toilet while someone was still in the stall, using it. After killing him, an old, Chinese-looking god appeared before my eyes. He said to me in his deep, godly voice, “You have killed too many gods in this world and must be punished!” So he transported me to this god-like cathedral so that I could be judged. I noticed a convenient toilet in the middle of the walkway. From that I realized something…

 

HE HAD A BROWN ACCENT!

 

And that hobo and random transvestite in the stall were GODS!? He told me that he will give me the most horrible fate anyone could imagine unless I repent for my sins. So I ripped his balls off, shoved it in his mouth, and threw his head in the holy toilet. In the midst of my actions, I had accidentally swallowed some of the holy toilet water.

 

And that is why I have constant diarrhea.

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