I woke up in the afternoon (not the morning, what a twist!) to hear a scream outside of my backyard. I rush downstairs to see who it was that was screaming. It was a little girl, screaming because she has a worm stuck on her head. So I run like the wind towards her side and I quickly throw the worm off her head and onto the floor. I then throw balloons full of mayonnaise at her face because she was a girl I didn’t like. On top of that, I was naked in front of her… with mayonnaise all over her body.
She’s a porn star now.
Moral of the story – Don’t eat too many sliders before bed. You’ll constantly wake up with diarrhea and end up waking up during the afternoon instead of the evening.
What was the point of that useless story? I just like typing a random paragraph before I start blogging about anything. You got a problem with that, bitch? If you do, WHY DON’T WE GO OUTSIDE AND I’LL FUCKING—-
—-Buy you and ice cream?
Summer is here. -flails arms- It’s been a long time since I’ve said that with excitement, hence the flailing of the arms. Or perhaps I was swatting flies away. Who knows? You don’t know what’s happening while I type this fucking blog. Oh, you could imagine all you want, but I’m definitely not that other guy, masturbating while playing the guitar AT THE SAME TIME!
You’re imagining that, aren’t you?
My summer’s been okay so far. Working, hanging with friends, and being hot in the literal sense. Sounds like my summer’s already set out for me this year. I do have some goals for myself though. One is to be as creative as possible. Two is to try as many new restaurants as possible. Three won’t be mentioned in this blog due to NONE OF YO’ FUCKING BUSINESS! NOW GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME SOME MO’ DUMPWINGS!
Today wasn’t a great day at all. I went to an area where they were serving all you can eat sliders for thirty bucks. It rained, lots of bitches were there, and worst of all—— oh, who the fuck am I kidding, It was pretty awesome. The sliders were pretty great. Some places used the ugly bread found at banquet halls, but most of them were awesome. Shrimp sliders, oyster sliders, goat sliders, chickpea sliders, veggie sliders, pulled pork sliders, brisket sliders, and of course, the main ingredient for sliders,
Beef, obviously, you guys. C’mon. Why you gotta be sho shtupeed fo’?
Surprisingly, I grew no pimples after indulging in the meaty goodness…es… of the beefy, tiny, burgers. Sure, it rained a bit… okay, a lot, but due to that, not many people came. And sure, it was kinda far from home, but it was worth all the awesomeness. I think in total, a friend and I ate about fifteen. Not bad for thirty dollars for all you can eat. That’s about a dollar fifty for each slider. Totally worth it. However, I stray too far.
“That’s what SHE said!”
I said “stray,” not “spray.” Now can you stop fucking rolling the toilet paper so I can continue my story, you little shit?
And then I kicked the baby.
Anyways, the day started out pouring. I rode with a bunch of ladies towards a path I did not know. I felt like I was leading them to a place so I could do things that were illegal involving them. Y’know… taking off garments… bringing a camera… maybe bring an electric toothbrush…
I felt like I was going to take them shopping for clothes.
“Then what was the toothbrush for?”
Can’t a guy keep his fucking teeth clean?
So in the middle of riding there, the rain decided to … rain on our parade. This gave us a bad vibe about the event that was burger day. However, upon arriving at the destination… oh man… the smells… the sizzles… the smoke… the man on fire rolling around to save himself… the male prostitutes—-
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
Let’s just say that we couldn’t wait to get in line to purchase our tickets. Before I got to indulge though, I had to pick up a friend from the nearest station. I said goodbye to my lady friends, and started to ride towards the station. Before I left the premises, I noticed two hippie males protesting against eating beef because it kills cows, and too many of them apparently. I slowly rode up to them, got into one of their faces and said, “Hey… is the reason you guys want to save cows due to the fact that cows are similar to YOUR MOTHERS?”
Then I stopped daydreaming and went to pick up my friend. So what happened next? I picked up my friend. I picked him up very well, thank you very much. -hands on hips- And we exchanged convos, okay? On the walk there, we exchanged convos. Maybe, even held hands. Maybe even sucked—
So as we arrived back to the location, I finally found my other friend who I was trying to find before I picked up my friend at the station. He was in a long lineup for the tickets to get all you can east sliders. We ditched him and went to a shorter line to get our tickets. He followed. Ditching plan failed. Played it off as a joke, successful. Slapping him in the face, optional. Slapping my other friend in the face, crucial. Monkeys eating other monkeys, cannibal.
I should write poems.
No I shouldn’t.
So, as a male trio, we decided to begin the indulgence of sliders without the ladies due to the fact that they were already in line for sliders before us. As we got a slider from eat stand, we noticed that they only serve one type of slider, and the details about that slider were posted on posters, which were posted near the posting areas of their stands.
It was on a sign, okay?
Anyways, us three men were able to complete an entire row of stands, totalling to ten sliders consumed. It rained while we were indulging. Were we happy? Yes. Were we satisfied? No. Were we full? Only one was. I slapped him. It was crucial.
We then decided to meet up with the ladies to see how they were doing. They were full as well… FULL O’ SHIT! But not, really, they were full. So we all decided to take a rest, ‘cause, you know… eating is a tiring exercise. DON’T FUCKING JUDGE ME, BIATCH. GET A NEW FACE.
As we were looking for a place to rest, we noticed there were free snowcones. We all got a cone. It was icy and delicious. The day went by, and one of the lady friends decided to call it quits. She was full, and being full, you don’t feel hungry again until a long, long time. By the time that time comes (did that make sense?) the event would’ve been over, and we would’ve all shat our pants. On that note, we got another snowcone.
We took her back to the station, and there, we decided to take a side quest on our slider feasting and explored a ravine. It was quite muddy and slippery and that is not what she said. At first, we chose a “sketch” side to discover that there was a hobo living around the premises. We saw clothes laid out on a log, cups from timmies, and a matress. Everyone feared for their lives and ran off due to this odd way of domesticity. “Somebody’s living here? RUUUNNNN, EVERYBODY RUUUNNNN!” One of my friends found his coat, however. He decided to leave it there… along with his timmies cup… and old mattress…
We trailed along the muddy ravine, trying not to slip and fall down. The ladies and one of the guys were scared of slipping. The other guy and I were completely calm since we both like to take walks and explore unknown places. Why did we decide to take this walk? We all thought it would aid in the digestion of the sliders consumed earlier.
Instead, we all vomited on the hobo that was living in that ravine.
I joke, the walk didn’t help at all. But that didn’t stop us. We decided to return to the slider place, and many of the stands were empty. Apparently, they were being ravaged by the hungry, slider-eating fatasses and ran out of sliders to make. We were set on getting a few more sliders before we called it a day. But first, we got snowcones. Man, they were good snowcones, I’m telling you.
Afterwards, the girls and guys split up to get more sliders. A twist in the story though, us three men were exhausted and full. We drank water prior to the delicious snowcones, and were unable to continue consuming the goodness of sliders. So we can and conversed. We conversed real good, thank you very much. -hands on hips- we even exchanged opinions. We sat at the table on a beach volleyball court and exchanged opinions, okay? Maybe even held hands. Maybe even sucked—-
It rained again while we sat there… twice. Mother nature was probably moody. The wind blew two tables with umbrellas down. Everyone stared at it and did nothing about it. I was lazy. Perhaps everyone else was too. We are such great, slider-eating people. We sat there for a while, “Auugh”-ing and “Oooh”-ing about how full we were. The ladies came back… with snowcones. It was amazing. So icy and delicious.
Upon that, I was thirsty and I knew that snowcones were not going to quench my thirst. So I went to go and grab some water. On the way back, I noticed that the guys were eating snowcones in coffee cups. They apparently ran out of cones to put them in. They were quite popular. After sitting and conversing, us three men decided to get another slider and call it a day. We went to get pulled pork sliders. They were great. We were full.
But not too full for another snowcone. We grabbed one more before leaving.
I believe the snowcones were the highlight of our day. Despite the delicious-ness of sliders, the snowcones helped us keep cool, and crushed our sugar cravings. Yum. So after a long day of eating and shit, we all decide to go home, with sliders in our stomachs, and snowcones in our hearts.
I know I’ve said “snowcones,” too much already. I wanted to cleverly mention them in a more comedic way, but I’m being chronological here. That is how often we got snowcones. I hope they have them next year as well. I’ll be waiting to satisfy my meat cravings… with snowcones.